Grin On Your Chin

Believe it or not I enjoy a few other things besides Weimaraners and associated 'Doggy Activities. Only a few... not too many... One is humour, be it animal humour at that.

I was inspired to add this page after enjoying a laugh or two while visiting James S. Huggins' Refrigerator Door.

Just to clarify, this is humour. It is not in any way, shape or form recommended you attempt any of these. Purely here to put a Grin-On-Your-Chin.

I received these VIA email but do not know the original source. If you are the original source or know who it is, please write me. I will gladly give credit where it is due or remove the content if so requested.

FUNNY STUFF ABOUT ANIMALS:

10 REASONS WHY DOGS CAN'T USE A COMPUTER

1. He's distracted by CATS chasing his MOUSE

2. SIT and STAY were hard enough: CUT and PASTE are out of the question

3. Saliva coated floppy disks refuse to work

4. Three words: CARPAL PAW SYNDROME

5. Involuntary tail wagging is a dead give-away that he's browsing www.purina.com instead of working

6. The FIRE HYDRANT icon is simply too frustrating

7. He can't help attacking the screen when he hears YOU'VE GOT MAIL

8. It's too messy to mark every web site he visits

9. The FETCH command isn't available on all platforms

10. He can't stick his head out of WINDOWS 98

A DOG’S DICTIONARY

BICYCLES: Two wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run along side for a few yards. The person the swerves and falls into the bushes and you prance away.

BUMP: The best way to get your human’s attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

DEAFNESS: This is simply a malady, which affects dogs when their human wants them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the human, then running in the opposite direction or lying down.

DOG BED: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guestroom or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

DROOL: Is what you do when your human has food and you don’t. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.

GARBAGE CAN: A container, which your neighbours put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and mouldy bread.

LEAN: Every good dog’s response to the command SIT, especially if your human is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.

LEASH: A strap, which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your human where you want him/her to go.

LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you’re lucky, a human will love you in return.

SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dogs rear end and inhale deeply. Repeat several times or until your human makes you stop.

SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating, it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.

THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly and following at their heels.

WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes and old candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your human comes home.

HOW TO GIVE THE CAT A PILL

Pick up the cat, and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.

Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of the cat's mouth, and gently apply pressure to the cheeks whilst holding the pill in the right hand.

As you gradually ease the cat's mouth open in this fashion, pop the pill into it's mouth and allow the cat to close mouth and swallow.

Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.

Cradle the cat in left arm again, and repeat process.

Retrieve cat from under the bed in the main bedroom, and throw away the soggy pill.

Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand.

Force jaws open and thrust pill to the back of its mouth with right forefinger.

Hold cat's mouth shut for count of ten.

Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.

Call spouse in from garden to assist.

Kneel on floor with cat firmly wedged between knees.

Hold front and rear paws.

Ignore growls emitted from cat.

Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand, while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.

Drop pill down ruler, and rub cat's throat vigorously.

Retrieve cat from curtain rail.

Get another pill from foil wrap.

Make a mental note to buy a new ruler and repair curtains.

Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from floor, and set aside for gluing later.

Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below armpit.

Put pill in end of drinking straw and force cat's mouth open with pencil.

Blow forcefully down straw.

Check label on cat's pills to see if they are harmful to humans.

Drink beer to take away the taste and apply band-aid to spouse's forearm.

Remove blood from carpet with soap and water, and discard shredded towel in waste bin.

Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed.

Get another pill.

Open another beer.

Place cat in cupboard and close door on cat's neck so as to leave only the head protruding.

Force mouth open with spoon, and however much force it takes.

Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

Fetch screwdriver from garage to put the cupboard door back on hinges.

Drink beer.

Pour scotch and drink in one gulp.

Apply cold compress to cheek, and check date of last tetanus jab.

Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect, and toss back another shot for good measure.

Throw T-shirt in bin next to shredded towel.

Ring fire brigade to retrieve the mutant cat from tree across the road, and apologise profusely to neighbour who crashed into his pool whilst swerving to avoid the cat.

Take last pill from foil wrap.

Tie the little sod's front paws and rear paws tightly to legs of metal garden chairs with twine.

Find heavy pruning gloves from shed.

Push into cat's mouth, followed by a large piece of fillet steak.

Hold cat's head vertical, and pour two litres of water down cat's throat to wash down pill.

Consume remainder of scotch.

Get spouse to drive you to emergency room for stitching of your fingers and forearm, and removal of pill from your left nostril.

Call in at garden centre on way home to get new garden chairs.

Arrange with RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell, and find out if they have any hamsters that need good homes.

HOW TO GIVE THE DOG A PILL

Wrap it in bacon.

SHORT ONE LINERS:

Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?

A: Nothing, ‘cos he wouldn’t come anyway!

Q: Why did the man call his dog blacksmith?

A: ‘cos every time he called him he made a bolt for the door!

Q: Why do you call your dog carpenter?

A: ‘cos he does odd jobs around the house!

Q: Why do you call your dog gardener?

A: ‘cos he sits amongst the cabbages and peas!