Notice to people who visit my home

The dog lives here.

You don't.

If you don't want dog hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

Yes, he has some disgusting habits. So do I and so do you. What's your point?

OF COURSE he smells like a dog. Duh!

It's his nature to try to sniff your crotch. Please feel free to sniff his.

I like him a lot better than I like most people.

To you he's a dog. To me he's an adopted son who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. I have no problem with any of these things.

Dogs are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about whether they have the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a wazillion dollars for college.

The same applies for the cats, except they will ignore you... until you're asleep.